The Workhorse

If somebody doesn’t tell me where to find a good bra, I’m gonna burn this whole place down.

Six months ago I was in the dressing room at Torrid. If you have never been to a Torrid let me explain what it is; it is modern, contemporary, funky clothes for women a lot younger than me. Oh! It is also a plus size store, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed but…MA’BOOBS.

Someone asked me to describe myself and five words the other day. Do you know what words are used?

Big boobs.

Bad knees.

Jesus.

And if someone doesn’t get that on a T-shirt STAT, we have a problem. (But even if they do get it on a T-shirt I won’t be able to wear it because I can’t find a good bra that looks good under T-shirts!!)…thank you for that segue back to my problem.

So a couple months back I was in a dressing room at Torrid trying on bras. Please know I would rather have a root canal done by one of my children then to go bra shopping, but ya gurl was in a bad way.

Anyway, I took three or four bras to the back dressing room and one fit me like a glove. It was perfect! I loved everything about it! The problem? There was one sweet lady behind the counter, four people in line, and the lady at the front of the line was returning 8000 pieces of clothing. I couldn’t do it. Y’all, I would still be there today waiting to check out. So, like a dummy, I left.

Did I take a picture of the bra? No.

Do I remember the name of the bra? No.

Do I even remember the size that I picked up and tried on? No.

And so today, even as I write these words, I am living in a bra that looks like it was put together by the tiny little mice that lived in the basement was Cinderella (if those mice were blind and really really exhausted.)

Meaning, my bra is on its last leg.

And if any of you are speculating about the fact that I talk about “my bra” in the singular sense and that is concerning to you, well then take your Lorazepam, Darlene, because my bra is singular. There are not plural bras. There is one. Singular. bra.

And if bras could talk, mine would have the heavy Austrian accent of a mountain woman who lives alone except for her goats. She is tired, weary and worn. She drinks heavily at night and longs for the touch of a man. So yeah, thank God our bras don’t have voices.

I seriously need to retire this thing. Y’all! I wore it when we taped the Radke‘s. Does that tell you anything? Our show hasn’t even been on television for two years!!

But you just can’t take a chest like mine and put it in any old bra. It will not work. The bra must be sturdy, it must have reinforced steel running underneath the breast area. There must be multiple layers of fabric, and there can be no less than five snaps. This bra won’t be sexy! This bra will be utilitarian. This bra will not be beckon David Radke to my boudoir. It could, however, beckon seafaring ships would have been lost at sea for years and are just happy to see someone on land.

Please do not send me ideas that are pretty or sexy or come in a variety of colors. Those don’t work for boobs like mine! Bras for me come in white and blush, that’s it! NEXT!

Don’t tell me “Oh Melissa, I know a bra that you will just love girl and it only has two snaps and no underwire.” That isn’t even in the realm of possibility. NEXT!

Please refrain from telling me that you know of a lovely bra for big chested women that HOORAY! also comes with matching underwear (“It’s in a little set, Melissa!”) The kind of bra that I need for my girls, do not come in sets. They are sold separately with work boots and generally a flashlight. NEXT!

I want all of those things, I really do. Trust me, I don’t want to continue to wear bras that look like they were made in a warehouse by a woman named Helga. No one does! But hey, you do what you have to do.

Remember that scene in Friends when Joey is helping Phoebe seduce Chandler and he says of his friend, “Show him your bra. He’s scared of bras! Can’t work ‘em.” Do you know why he can’t work ‘em? Probably because he previously went out with a girl wearing one of my style of bras. That’s why he’s afraid of them! He probably cut himself and almost lost a finger. Let’s don’t shame the guy.

So yeah, all that rambling simply to say: I need a new bra and I need it now. I’m not asking for much. I would like it to give me support, cover up my side boob and I would prefer it not have pointy cups like Madonna wears…but ya know what? I’m desperate and I’ll take what I can get.

Suggestions appreciated and encouraged, but not required. Work like this is not for the faint of heart…or boob.

Love ya. Mean it.

Melissa