Facing Hard Questions

Last week one of the members in the Radke Family Membership Group (SHOUT OUT TO YOU BUNCH OF DINGDONGS!! I LOVE YOU!) posted a question for me. It was a good question, but I didn’t answer it. Wanna know why? Because the question is one that has haunted me from the moment, I began walking this health journey out. I didn’t just dread the question; I dreaded the work it would take to navigate this question. I’m rambling. Let’s just get to the question. Here is what she asked…

Melissa, I heard you say that you were going out on Friday night with all of the women in your family. How do you make good decisions on a night like that? I have trouble in this area. I don’t want to eat good on those nights, I want to have fun. What do you do?

Uggghhhh. This question and this answer are the BAIN OF MY EXISTANCE. Why? Because for so long, food has equaled fun.

Friends + Food = Fun

Friends + Food + Friday nights = Fun x 100

(Somebody do the math on this, STAT)

We spoke last week about how food can no longer be a reward. That is a mindset mentality that we need to change. And then as if that isn’t hard enough! Along comes this question; another mindset that if not dealt with will get us nowhere.

So here in this article I will be very vulnerable and answer this question.

Do you know how some people drink in order to loosen up? I think that’s called “liquid courage.” Well, I’ve never been a drinker. I hate the taste and I hate the price. (Show me a martini for $11 and I’ll show you a plate of potato skins for the same price and double the fun.) But I know why they do it. I know why someone would drink in order to feel less stressed. I know why someone would drink in order to feel more courageous. I get why someone might do two shots of tequila at the beginning of the evening. It makes them feel less inhibited, it loosens them up, maybe even makes them more confident.

And that’s what food does for me.

It makes me feel better. When I cannot make small talk, I have my appetizer. When I hate that the topic turned to politics, I envelope myself into my fried chicken. When I don’t feel like I am good enough or smart enough, food comforts me. When I am talking and I am making people laugh, I reward myself with more bites.

The food stays, the food listens, the food comforts, the food rewards. And suddenly the food is the highlight of my evening. Not my company. Not my atmosphere. But the food.

This is no way to live.

Our focus must – it simply MUST – no longer be on the food. When we are getting dressed to go out with our friends or family or co-workers or spouse, we must begin the exhausting practice of removing the importance off of food. This will be hard. After all, food has been the focus for us for a very long time. But just like an alcoholic that cannot return to the bar or the bottle, we set up mental guardrails. So, to my friend who wrote in that question. Here is my answer. Please keep in mind that this is not an answer that I have done repeatedly, and I know it works. Rather, it is an answer that I am currently – in real time – working on. This is still a mental game for me. But I am determined to beat it.

1.       I try very hard to persuade the group on where to eat. This may come off as bossy, so be it. What they don’t know is that certain foods trigger you. And the last thing we want right now is a trigger. So, when they are all gunning for the Cheesecake Factory and they are saying things like, “Oh Melisa, there are a lot of healthy options you can get there.” They are not wrong! There are a lot of healthy options. But I know that I am used to getting the Buffalo Blasts and eating till I’m sick. And I know that I am used to finishing off the evening with the Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake that beckons me from across the room. They don’t know this, of course. But I do! Those are trigger food for me. Any type of fried chicken? Trigger food. So yeah, I may come across as bossy, but I don’t care. I’m working for the good of my health and my body. And if they love me, they’ll allow me this until I am in a healthier place both physically AND mentally. So, open your mouth and speak up! Say that you would love to try the new Indian place. Suggest that you go to someplace that you know has delicious salmon. Tell them that you are dying to try the new salad place they’ve been raving about. If they know you and love you, they will hear what it is you are trying to do – and they will let you.

2.       Once I know where we are going, I look up the menu online. I do not do this when we are in the car driving there. Hopefully we made the decision where to eat a couple of days ago and I have had time to look it up. This helps me make a decision ahead of time. And this is key! Know where you are going and know what you are having. Make that decision before you are sitting around the table laughing, before you see the burger and fries delivered to the table beside you. Make that decision before you open up the menu and look at the pictures. Make the decision on what you will eat when you are strong. If you are in a situation that doesn’t allow you to read the menu ahead of time, then when you open the menu go straight to the area that you are allowing yourself to eat from. For me, this is the soup & salad section. Why look over the appetizers? Why look over the fillet options? I make my decision fast, and I close the menu.

3.       I also challenge myself to eat something “new” to me. Here is what I mean by this: I am usually a person that sticks to my favorite foods. You can bet if there’s a chicken fried anything on the menu, IMMA HAVE IT. So, I remind myself to try something new. Maybe there is a fish that I’ve never had that I might end up loving. Maybe my girlfriend is right, maybe the Luau salad really is amazing. I wouldn’t know because I’ve never tried it! But now I will. I will try something new to me. Because what is new to me, is often healthy. Out with the old – in with the new.

4.       Lastly, I will eat like a skinny person. Sometimes people don’t like to hear this one. Even now, some of you are squirming a bit in your seat. “Eat like a skinny person? What does that even mean? Surely you aren’t telling us to compare ourselves with someone, Melissa?” That is exactly what I am telling you to do. Watch how they eat because FOOD DOESN’T MATTER TO THEM. They like the company way more than the food. They are invested in the conversation way more than the meal. The meal is the cherry on the top to them, it is not the whole cake. The conversation and the surrounding and the atmosphere and the camaraderie, that is what they came for. And so, I watch them. I eat slowly like they do. I order water like they do. I listen to what they order and decide that who knows! Maybe I’ll like that too.

This past Friday night I went out with the women in my family and I followed every one of these steps. We ended up at a Mexican restaurant (as I knew we would) and I went immediately to the fish section of the menu. Yay! Fish Tacos. One of my favorites. I ordered them on corn tortillas. When the waiter asked if I would like beans and rice with that, I quickly answered no. No thinking about it. No debating in my mind. I had made a decision ahead of time and I stuck with it. I ordered a water. And I watched how my cousin was eating; slowly, talking in-between her bites, resting every once in a while, to listen in on what someone was saying, pushing her plate aside as soon as she felt the least bit satisfied.

It’s a plan that is working for me. Will it always? Probably not. I will probably change and grow and so will my thinking. I’m okay with that. But as for right now, this is the answer to a really hard question.

Let me ask you: What mental mind shifts are you having to make? What are some really hard questions that you are currently having to wrestle with as you change your life and your mindset towards food?

I believe in you. All the way.

Mel

P.S. If you would be interested in discussing things like this in more depth then let me know. I’ve been telling David that I’d like to go deeper into some of these topics, but maybe that is just me. I’d love to know what you’re wrestling with and I’d love to do some teaching videos or teaching podcasts that may help us in these areas. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

P.S.S. Thank you to the Radke Family Member who sent in this question. And thank you all for letting me share this journey so personally with y’all. I know you get sick of me talking about this every morning on Rise & Radke, but you all are so patient and you are so invested in my journey – just as I am invested in yours. Thank you. I love you. And I’ll see y’all tomorrow!!