Stretchy Pants: A Thanksgiving Elegy
The following is based on an absolutely true story.
I signed up to make the dressing because someday my mom will pass.
And if she’s not taught me how to make dressing, how will our family last?
So now she texts me every five minutes to ask when I’m coming over to learn.
She said she’s afraid for me to do it by myself because I’ll overcook it and it will burn.
She texted me “cook up four things of cornbread, don’t use sugar and don’t use a mix.”
I texted her back “new phone, who dis?” And she texted back really quick…
“I’m sorry, I thought this was my daughter. I must have added in her number wrong.
I’m always doing things like that on these phones - when it comes to tech I’m not too strong.”
She wrote about eight more sentences to someone she had no idea who.
I started to feel bad but then I decided to follow this prank on through.
I asked her who the cornbread was for and she answered back right away,
“My daughter’s supposed to be cooking the dressing but she doesn’t listen to a thing I say.”
She went on to say, “I don’t know why I even bother, she does what she wants all the time…
But I’ve made the dressing for 36 years and it’s about time she falls in line…
Besides, she barely listens to me anymore I’m just her 72 year old ma…
She’ll show up 20 minutes late, forget what’s she cooked and we’ll be lucky if she wears a bra.”
“Mother!” I wrote, “It’s me! It’s me! I was just pulling your leg.
But really? A stranger? A story about my bra? Use some discretion,” I begged.
“If you don’t like the way I talk about you then next time don’t text - just call.
Cuz you’re lucky I didn’t get to the stretchy pants you wear - it you wear any at all.”
The End.
Black Friday has started. Can you believe that? What happened to Thursday nights standing outside of Target at 2am? Why does Black Friday now start on a Thursday? And a whole week before? I’m so confused.
But not to worry. I have made a KILLER Black Friday Amazon list for you all with some of my most recent favorites. So take a look and grab some of the great savings.
On another note. This lash serum I’ve been filling up your feed with, is the REAL DEAL. I kid you not, this is not a stellar pic - but this is my lashes THREE WEEKS into using this stuff. Rated Best Overall by InStyle Magazine, Health Magazine and Byrdie Online Reviews - this is the best I’ve ever used. My lashes are longer, fuller and there are not dry!! That is a big deal. And if you have extensions, did you know you can put Barboleta Lash Serum ON YOUR LASHES even with the extensions and it will keep your lashes growing long and strong and full? No more getting your extensions off and being barenaked on that lash line, bestie. This is a stocking stuffer must-have. Grab it here. And use code: MelissaR to get 15% off.
EBY just released their new 3D Precision Bra and what in the other-wordly goodness is that thing?? It makes me want to light every bra I ever wore up until last year, on fire. And then throw that lit bra onto a Victoria’s Secret panty bin. Seriously though. How long have we been wearing WIRED BRAS? And now there is a wired bra without wire? In the 1920’s they would have called us a witch and thrown us in a hole. But now?? We’re free ladies. It really is a wonderful bra. I bought two of them to wear for nicer events with dresses or under sweaters. If you think you could never go without a wired bra, would you do your best girlfriend a favor and just try it? It’s life-changing, y’all. My daily go-to bra is the Support Bralette or the Wireless Bralette, and my nicer evening out bra is the new 3D Precision. Comes in the most gorgeous colors. Use code: RADKE20 for 20% off.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving my friends. I love each of you, so much. You don’t even know.
Melissa